Process

It's almost hard to believe that I've survived a whole year of school. And by survived, I do mean survived. It was hard going into this year without really anyone i particularly knew at Oregon State, and surprisingly enough I'm shy when you first know me...

My car was broken into three times, my book bag stolen, MP3 player and lots of goodies I probably would've liked to keep.

Luke and I got back together from a break that did us good, I believe.

And school. From the snow storms that my parents wouldn't let me drive in, locking my keys in my car too many times to count and waking up late on a day my final was due (but aceing it) it was a busy year. Busy and lonely for sure. With Jachee away in Arizona and only came down twice for break- it was hard not knowing a sole on campus. But with this next year I'll be living two blocks away from campus and also helping a friend plan a wedding- I'm sure I'll keep myself busy.

Lacy and I re-established, almost, our friendship that seemed to crumble under the pressure of her leaving me behind in high school and me having a boyfriend in her brother. Luke and I have also been seeing his dad and step mom a lot more lately and I've really enjoyed getting to know the side of a family I never really knew about.

With only one year down and three more to go- it seems like there's no light in the tunnel... It's frustrating to know that I'm spending four years of my life doing something that I'm not even sure I'll do at all. I keep telling myself this is for the best, and there's nothing about going to school that feels internally wrong- so this must be what the plan is for right now. I guess we'll see what the next year brings.

I haven't posted in a very long time. I have thought about posting a lot- but then thinking about it, i thought it wasn't worth posting...
What exactly does that mean? Like any of my thoughts are worth posting.

It seems like life is moving really quick lately. I'm in spring term of college- and I'm going to be moving into a dorm next fall. I've been going to Luke's dad's house a lot more in the past two months - which is good. The past relationship between Luke and his dad hasn't been the best- so i'm excited for Luke and to be a part of his family. I'm still working at PizzAmore- which seems like I need to move up or leave. I plan to leave by next winter- but i need some change in my life.

As if there wasn't enough already.

I just feel older than ever... which sounds stupid because so far in my life- nineteen is the oldest i've been. Marriage talk has be circulating me and the people around me lately. It feels strange to be talking about getting married at ninteen- but at the same time, i feel (almost) ready. It's like the next adventure God has planned. The saying that people say to you when you're feeling overhelmed with bad things can work for good things too- God will never give you more than you can handle. Right now I'm handling finishing Spring Term and balancing my family with Lukes Family. Next is the summer => with the school and work that I'll be doing.

Speaking of Summer- The youth group came up and talked about their trip to New Orleans. I felt old sitting, looking at all of them when only a year ago i was up onstage. I'm not really sure why i felt so old- maybe it was just that i was unattachted to them, because everything James was saying about high schoolers- i could relate to... the e-mails are only for adults and texting... It was a weird feeling though. Almost like i didn't want to be put in the same group as high schoolers- but i wanted to be up there going to New Orleans with them.
A bittersweet feeling i suppose.

the end- this hopefully satisfies my blog posting... i'll try to do better- for all of you still reading.

Winter Term has started and is half way over already... i am happy that it's going faster than Fall term. But the real thing that has caused me to write is change.

I'm no too fond of it right now- to be absolutely truthful. Jeremy Gange and his wife Mallory are leaving. They are leaving the church and we are gettting a new person... i'm assuming.

It's hard for me not to think of Rob when stuff like this happens. ... stuff like this... i guess i could be a little more descriptive. It's hard for me not to think of Rob when someone I've grown up with leaves the home I'm used to. And honestly it's hard for me to be happy about them leaving. That's selfish but it's the truth. I'm sure it's very exciting for them to be going somewhere new and most of all- following the will of God for their life... but it's hard for me to be excited for them to be leaving.

Our worship pastor is leaving too. He's going back to Boise and following God's will once again for his life. Two pastors in one month. There is one difference in this situation, however, than Rob's. When Rob left it felt like the church had a huge hole, and it was going to take a long time to recover... but with two pastors leaving... I don't feel like the church has even one hole. Yes, we're going to miss Jeremy and Scott- but we're also going to benefit from them being here and we're going to move on- just as they will miss us and move on... spiritually.

I'm worried about my future. I am hoping to move to corvallis this coming Fall but i'm not sure about jobs or if i'll even move into the house i want to be in...

I'm unsure of the people who have always been with me will no longer be so close. With college comes new people and new connections, but i want the connections from high school to last so bad.

I feel frustrated that our church has no college group but i would feel like i was betraying our church if i went to another church's small groups... I'm hesitant to join the adult groups in our church because i know i'm not an adult- and i feel the need to be around people my own age... instead of ten to twenty years older than me.

I guess i feel like my life is changing without me. Some things I want to happen, but others i'm trying to hold on to- and they're moving whether i want to or not. I haven't been emotionally stable for years and i feel like i should be at 18. I feel like other people expect me to have it together and i'm afraid to tell them that i don't- even though it may show...

I thought high school was my hardest time in trusting God- but i'm finding that at this point in my life- it's even harder.

This is me being open -

As far as I'm concerned so called "genius" in the medical and science fields are stupid. Let me explain-

I'm look for a health article for my science class and I'm looking and i see a headline that says, "Teen Sex may take emotional toll".

Why is this not a complete Duh? Next they're going to say that abortions aren't too good on women either. I knew this when i was in middle school and Doctors are JUST NOW telling people this.

I know doctors, researchers and scientists have come up with some brilliant stuff- but sometimes it just amazes me that 1. I knew things in middle school they didn't know and 2. it was because of the Bible.

HMPH! Maybe researchers should take a look at that Book to find some more thoughts!

I'm finding it harder and harder to trust people these days.

Someone broke into my car Friday night and took my book bag (probably thinking it had a laptop in it), a pair of shoes and mine and Luke's Cowboy hats...
Unfortenately the contents in the bag may be the difference between me failing and passing some classes. Two notebooks FULL of notes for Biology and Sociology, a graphing calculator, a spare set of keys for my car, my USB drive, all my math assignments with class notes on them, and not to mention the bag that no one else had!

I have to change the locks on my doors so he won't come back and take the entire car. I need to replace Luke's $150 dollar hat, and my (around) $200 dollar calculator. And of course copy four weeks worth of Sociology notes from Hannah (thanks so much!).

These are the times when it's hard to trust someone, let alone forgive them. Especially someone you can't see but you know they did NOT have you're best interest in mind.

I'm hurt. I feel violated and hopeless. I started crying in church because we were singing a song about God always being there for us- and I know he was there when that theif broke my window. It's hard to ask why He would let something happen like this- but i know I'l be better off... somehow.
Depending on Him is the only way i'll come out of this ok. Maybe that's the lesson in all of this. People always say how God is a teacher- and I always seem to forget that until i have a lesson to learn myself.

I'm pretty sure I spelled procrastination wrong... but i don't care. Spelling it wrong probably adds to the meaning of it.

I'm in the business computer lab and I should be writing a memo for my BA 131 class... yet i find myself not doing it because I can't think of a good starting sentence. It used to be, when i wrote, i just wrote. Things came into my head easily and it seemed to just flow out of me.
what I could do is just write what i need, then later put in the first sentence... but then there's the fear of forgetting to put in the first sentence and the teacher gets the assignment with this as the first sentence he reads: "My first sentence." There's an F.

Anyways- on to more important things in my 18 year old mind. :)

Luke and I are volunteering at D2S this year... our HS church group is going and since we can't be leaders, this is the next best thing! It's the weekend before finals however, and that seems to worry my mother, but i have four hours to study driving up there and on the way home! So it'll work out.
That's probably the most excited thing i'm looking foreward to, but i'll need to be saving my money again... they don't pay for parking, food or anywhere to stay. Dang. I wasn't really expecting them to put us up somewhere- but free parking like everyone else who attends? What's the harm in that?
Oh well. I'm still going so it obviously doesn't bother me that much. :)

Last week i was in Starbucks getting my usual... ( Grande White Chocolate Mocha if you want to know)... I'm waiting for the cup to come to me and i look outside- what i see was a little disturbing. It was an old man, picking cans and plastic bottles off the ground.

What?

How?

why?

These questions were running through my head as I thought of my grampa's digging through the garbage... with no where to go, no one to love.

It got me thinking more about our society and what we've become. Was this man in WWII? In Vietnam? And if so, why wasn't he being taken care of? I know how expensive retirment communities are, because i've worked there... but i COULD NOT wrap my head around this man being homeless. And I have seen plenty of homeless people in the past four years... so why was this one so different?

The plain truth is that I take my life for granted. Today i wrote a check and there will no longer be two hundred dollars in my checking account. That's when I should've smacked myself for whining about not having two hundred dollars.

Sometimes i can't believe that i forget. But then, yes, yes why wouldn't i forget? When everywhere i go- it's MONEY MONEY MONEY. I'm doing something in my life that I HATE because I want to insure that my family will have money, that we'll be able to eat and have clothes and go to the beach. Where in japan the most important thing in society is Honor, and in Mexico it's Family. But in the US? Money. Success.

So the question is, am i to blame? Do i have a responsibility to the homeless? I believe i do. My past experiences going on mission trips will determine how i respond to the homeless and how i will vote to help them or how i will personally help them.

It's draining to think about this, but it's nothing compared to what the old man is going through trying to get enough cans and pop bottles.